Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

- Sylvia Plath


-------

That one was easy.

"Why?" Why do we ever love poems, stories, songs, etc.? Because we relate to them, they get inside our heads, it is ourselves talking.

That I will lose my energy, idealism, and ability to dream and will then settle for a life that is not all I had hoped for and imagined. Succumbing to expectations, obiligations, materialism, and society.. letting life dictate, instead of me dictating my life.

Never settle... never stop dreaming... never surrender.

Hmm... Well, I don't actually have arguments with people.. honestly, I swear. I can't remember the last time I seriously yelled at someone or had someone yell at me. So this was an interesting question for me to think about today, 'cause I really can't answer it! But I suppose that would be a good thing...?

Seeing a certain someone...

1) When they are conflicting, follow my heart, not my head.

2) "Know thyself" and then live who I am.

3) "Ubuntu" I am a person through other people, my humanity is connected to theirs.


- update -

4?) Thought of another one: Compassion. However, I cannot say I've fully learned this one yet. I certainly realize its importance, and strive to cultivate it within myself. But there are many instances where I still have a hard time not succombing to the ease and habit of judgement and anger.

Wow, quite the loaded question. How simple it is to think of things I'd like to change if given a second chance. What's important to keep in mind though, is that they are things I would like to change, not necessarily things I should change.

I would've liked to have understood my depression in high school so it wasn't such a hellish experience. I know lots of people that loved high school and for the life of me I can't understand that. LOVE high school? Are you kidding?! For me it was four years of dread each morning as I walked in the building, not wanting anyone to see me, no motivation (that ended up smothering any intelligence I may have been able to nurture), writing depressing songs and poems, wanting to run away to California as soon as I turned 18, and tackling the gay issue on top of all that. Being gay, or bi, or whatever-- for me, meant living to be 18 and still having no experiences of love or relationships, only hidden crushes and low self-esteem from crushes/love/infatuations that were never actualized. Yes, adolescence sucks no matter what and in most cases teenage relationships don't amount to anything, but I think the experience is important. However, the isolation that came with the depression and sexuality-questioning was probably a large reason why I was drawn to the computer all the time. And being a computer geek since I was 15 meant that I ended up learning web design, which currently pays my bills. So if I went back and changed the depression part, would that f--k up anything today? Would I instead be earning a living by asking someone if they'd like like to try a combo meal?

I also would've liked to have never gotten in the emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship that started the last month of high school and lasted to the end of my first year in college. That f--ked me up and still continues to negatively influence my relationships today. That "first love" that's supposed to have been so innocent and memorable is actually blocked from my memory now and to me that's really sad. I didn't even mean to block it, I just realized one day that I couldn't remember very much from within a 1.5 year time span. Very frequently I think about the time I spent in that relationship and want to kick myself for all the time that was wasted and other relationships that suffered because of it. I hate that I allowed myself to be treated so horribly, to have not seen the awfulness that was to come after an incident that happened 3 months into it. Like that Sarah McLachlan song.. "how stupid could I be? A simpleton could see.." SO many regrets just in that one relationship. BUT it was that relationship which brought me to Columbus. And I can't imagine not being here... my roots are here now, many many roots.

So it's examples like that, that make me see maybe it's not my place to go back and undo my mistakes. It was just one bumpy part of the path that lead to my life being what it is now. It wasn't necessarily pleasant by any means, but perhaps necessary. How do we learn if we never make mistakes? Okay, so I wish I could learn a lot of things the first time and not do the same stupid thing three times over before learning my lesson. But such is life, human beings are far from perfect.

Of course-- there is one great exception to this optimistic way of thinking. I used to think my first relationship was my biggest regret, but in January of 2006 that was pre-empted by the loss of my friend Travis. When you lose someone to suicide, every other regret means nothing. To constantly wonder "if I had called or emailed him, maybe he would've talked or shown some sign that he wasn't okay" or "I should've spent more time with him, not been so caught up in my own stupid things" on and on and on... The guilt is so heavy on my shoulders and probably always will be. If I could've been up there with him that night... would I do that if I had the chance? In this case, I have to say I would definitely allow an intervention of time. Though I have learned many things from Travis' death, none of them are more valuable than he was. None of the lessons are better than his smile, or his laugh, or his never ending selflessness. So in a heartbeat, yes I would change that.

Some mistakes are easier to spin than others... some divine reasons become apparent more quickly than others. I try to constantly remind myself of a part from Max Ehrmann's Desiderata:

Well, LOVE, of course. I can't help but give the answer everybody else will probably give to today's question.

Love is the ultimate act of resistance.

In all its forms and expressions.
    Physical, chemical, raw love.
        Love of humanity.
            Emotional love.
                Intellectual love.
                    Platonic love.
                        Family love.

Only love can bring purpose and reason to life-- which I believe to be pointless. Pointless in that the things we believe to be significant and important don't actually mean much in the grand scheme of things. Einstein showed us the fabric of space-time, and on that fabric our galaxy alone is but a speck of dust and time is only an illusion. So our individual lives can only ever hope to be protons in that speck of dust, at best. And there is certainly no past or future to worry about or try to affect. Everything is relative, yes, and not to be discounted. Suffering is suffering and should not be ignored. We all must do what we have to do to make it through the day in a way our conscience can live with, and if we're lucky we're happy along the way.

LOVE gets you through like no pill could ever come close to doing.

But in the end... what really matters?


There's a song lyric by Ani DiFranco that relates to this thought :
"..I want somebody who sees the pointlessness, but still keeps their purpose in mind."

It is acknowledging the pointlessness that makes LOVE most meaningful.


It is ironic that I'm writing so much on this topic today given my present state of mind and my battle to fight off feelings of love as much as possible... So which losing battle do I fight? Fight off love or fight off the barriers to the full manifestation of that love?

Lifelong Activist by Hillary Rettig.

Amazing.
Essential.
Comprehensive.
Motivating.
Reassuring.

www.LifelongActivist.com

The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath.

I first read it in high school and for the first time ever I connected with someone about my depression. She described it in such amazingly perfect ways, with words I had never thought to put together. And once it felt validated, I immediately felt a little better, just knowing at least one other person had felt that darkness, despair, and numbness.


Some of my favorite parts:


"The silence depressed me.  It wasn't the silence of silence.  It was my own silence."

----

"...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was ...a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor ... and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America ... and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
   
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

----

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell.  I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."

----

"To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream."

----

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart:  I am, I am, I am."

----

"How did I know that someday ...somewhere, anywhere - the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?"

My dream job huh... the absolute dream? Every single detail?? Okay here goes...


- One that is rooted in TRUTH.

- One that supports progressive/radical activism. The more radical, the better.

- One where I actively work to make the world better than it is right now.

- One where I get so focused and into it that I lose track of time and don't notice if I'm hungry or tired.

- One where I get to be geeky all day and use my computer skills (preferably design, CSS, social networking, blogging)!

- One that uses all open-source technology. From Ubuntu to Skype to WordPress to Open Office.

- One where I am in a natural, comfortable, and motivating setting. I.E. nothing to do with corporate cubicles, elevators, and business clothing. Lots of open windows, sunshine, music, incense and/or candles, art on the walls, etc.

- One located within walking distance so I don't need to drive AT ALL. Better yet, one I could ride my bike or rollerblade to.

- One that doesn't give a s--t whether you have a degree or not. You either get it or you don't, doesn't matter who your friends are or who owes your dad a favor.

- One where I work with amazing people who have the same dreams/goals/ideals/ambitions.

- One in the city (vs. suburb.)

- One within walking distance of a farmer's market and/or vegetarian/vegan restaurant (I hate making my own food.)

- One with an espresso machine and a fully stocked bar. (Theme days would be so easy with these two things-- Machiatto Mondays, Tequila Tuesdays, etc!)

- One that I could bring my dog to each day (I don't actually have a dog now but I would adopt one if this were an option!)

- One that is not financed by or has anything to do with any part of the government.

- One that gives us MLK Jr. Day off but NOT Columbus Day. And does not have a Christmas party.

- One whose office rent (if owning wasn't an option) supported an urban public school system. Not stuck out in the suburbs funding an already rich neighborhood.

- One that provided an extra two weeks of vacation to be used solely for community service. Even better-- any out-of-state service trips are given funding support to cover travel/lodging expenses. (Driving from Ohio to New Orleans is expensive!!)

- One that donated at least 5% of its income/profit to social entrepreneurship projects.

- One whose office used ALL environmentally-friendly and socially-responsible supplies. This includes everything from recycled paper, reycyled plastic, CFL's, fair-trade coffee, to recyling/compost for waste, etc. Also includes indirect resources, like I.T. needs and third-party components. A complete disconnect from wasteful corporatism! We would *not* have a Staples account.



I know there is more... as soon as I post this I'll think of at least three more things. I'll stick this up for now I guess.